Saturday, May 9, 2020

Ending a Friendship that Doesn't Work

[Dear friends, I am sometimes asked to respond to questions that are sent to www.Ananda.org, operated by Ananda Village in California. Some of the questions are of general interest. In sharing one of them here on this blog I have erased all traces of identification.]

In the decades of being a member of Ananda and living in an Ananda (residential) community, I find that it is not uncommon that a person who takes up the spiritual path in earnest finds that a particular long-standing friendship no longer serves that person's newly adopted spiritual goals and lifestyle. The question therefore often arises "What to do about these friendships?" Do I end the relationship? We've been friends for years. What about loyalty?"

In the case below the question was more specific because the long-standing friend had a long-standing habit of verbal abuse toward the new devotee and the devotee was finding that being treated this way was increasingly intolerable. So the question that came to us was "What to do about the friendship?" And for those who would say, simply, tell the so-called friend to take a hike, the devotee was wanting to be sensitive while also firm and wondered whether there was no longer a point to even continue the friendship.

Dear Friend, 

Let's approach this from several points of view. Yes, of course, it's hurtful to be treated that way. But it's also hurtful to your friend's soul, her own self-respect, to behave in that way. Wouldn't a friend would want to help that person and, in time, wouldn't a true friend actually appreciate that help?

On the one hand, your friendship may no longer serve you spiritually speaking but on the other hand, you have been friends and loyalty is an important and valid aspect of friendship. So, let's explore together some possibilities.

Without wanting to shift the blame from her to you, let me at least point out that unintentionally your ongoing acceptance of her treatment of you is, in its own way, enabling her. I say this not to blame you but to set the stage for what follows:

So let's shift this around in the direction of a possible WIN-WIN. I don't get the sense that you no longer want her friendship; rather, it seems that you no longer can tolerate her abuse. But maybe there's a way, that a positive outcome can take place for both of you. 

For starters, what I may suggest can only be done successfully with calmness and a certain degree of non-attachment to the outcome, ok? If you are willing to experiment for a time, consider these suggestions:

1. Abuser-abusee takes two. If the abusee (egads, is THAT a word?) is not even aware of the abuse (e.g. sarcasm), the abuse may be "wrong" but it is one-sided and the abusee feels "no pain." What I am saying is that the push-you, pull-me back and forth of verbal abuse takes, in some measure, two people. One to abuse; the other to feel abused. So, what if as an experiment, and before making a decision to leave the friendship, you tried for a while simply remaining calm when verbally attacked; look calmly into her eyes without reaction. Imagine your face and eyes and entire being are a full-length mirror. In the mirror of your calm, reflective consciousness, your friend may, after some time and practice, begin to see herself (as you do--behaving inappropriately).  

2. This experiment presupposes that you both are truly friends and do, in fact, care for one another. If there's no psychic or spiritual connection (like being robbed by a random burglar), then this won't work. It's important that you not stare her down or "look daggers" when you do this. You can even smile just a little, almost sadly, as you reflect back and observe her abusive behavior. You know that little thing we do when we cock the head just slightly to one side with a questioning look on our face? Like a clinician examining a specimen?

3. What this is doing is it's you pulling out of the game. "You have the right to remain silent!" After a while, the abuser may look, well, bemused. By ending whatever little part you've played, you create a space, a vacuum that can sometimes allow the abuser the psychic space to stop the unconscious habit. You might even both have a good laugh. Hopefully, given enough time and practice, your friend will dial down her aggressive tone. 

4. This experiment doesn't preclude or doesn't require that you never address the issue or discuss your feelings. I don't know either of you but there may be other times (not often in the moment of the abuse), where you can say, "Jean, there's something I'd like to talk to you about. We've been friends for a long time and I'd like to keep it that way. But I find that your habit of talking to me sarcastically or critically is increasingly intolerable. So whaddya say you dial this stuff back? Maybe it's just old habit you got from childhood but real friends don't do that. Hmm?"

5. Now maybe, just maybe, what you are really saying to us is that the friendship is over and that it has no spiritual value, and the verbal abuse is just one symptom of that observation. From where I sit, I cannot "see" that one way or another. So if THAT'S really what you are saying, then let me offer some suggestions about going in THAT direction:

6. I'd begin by bringing into my prayers and meditations gratitude for the friendship and appreciation for my friend's finer qualities; even spiritual qualities. I'd also pray for guidance in choosing your words or circumstances or the timing of ending or withdrawing from the friendship. You don't want to leave the friendship on a negative note if you can help it.

7. I might suggest you consider reducing or ending regular contact from the point of view that you just need to take a break. This is not unlike a friend who has died. A deceased friend is no longer physically present but they still live in your memory and in your heart. Thus don't see it as a rejection, worse yet a condemnation or judgment. In fact, since it's not good for her to behave this way, by ceasing contact you do her a favor! By taking a "break" you release the internal tension around rejection or ending a friendship.

Remind yourself that we are ALL children of God. We just have unique paths to take and all the "time in the world" to take it. Think: "We will meet again for we are friends eternally in our one Father-Mother, Beloved-Friend, God."

7.5 In offering prayers for your friend, hold her image in your mind's eye (spiritual eye) surrounded by joy and light, with the Divine Image of God, guru, or Divine Mother behind her AS her.

8. Outwardly, rather than make an abrupt break which will surely cause hurt feelings, I would suggest you see how to ease out by fewer and fewer contacts. It would be best if you not feel compelled to resort to made-up excuses or "white lies." Ask Divine Mother to show you or give you the natural and right opportunities. 

9. On a positive note do not underestimate the power of the following: A shift of your energy and interests can make all the difference. Spend more time getting involved with people whose consciousness and behavior support your spiritual aspirations. Taking meditation or yoga classes (online, these days, I suppose). Ananda has a "Virtual Community" online. Re-direct your own creative initiative and energies (and time) in the directions you wish to go. This changes the vibration of your consciousness and your aura and even your friend may find, subtly, that she's no calling or contacting you as often. (It's like having a divine virus!) Be sure you are reading spiritual books or watching videos from Ananda on YouTube. CHANGE YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS --- CHANGE YOUR FRIENDS!!!!

In fact, you can do BOTH of these things: experiment with not reacting to your friend's abusive words, AND, re-directing your own energies. The obvious incompatibility of vibration and consciousness will subtly guide each of you in new and different directions. Patience, perhaps, maybe all that is needed.

I sincerely hope that this will work because your intention seems sincere and not vengeful. 

Blessings and may the divine Light show you the way through this! [end of response]

Maybe there are others who might find some useful tips in the above response. Paramhansa Yogananda stated that much of our spiritual progress is determined by the company we keep. Friendship, or fellowship, is far more important and supportive of our ideals than even our own self-efforts in the privacy of our "sheltering at home." Hence the plethora of online spiritual offerings! We are not an "island" (though some of us live on an island, ha, ha). But like an island, we are all connected below the surface of our differences. 

Blessings and joy to you!

Swami Hrimananda