Valentine's Day: what is Love?

In the English language, the word "love" bears a great burden for it has to shoulder multiple meanings. We don't have the nuanced words of the Greek language such as Eros (sexual), Philia (friendship), Ludus (playful love), Agape (universal love), Pragma (committed), Philautia (love of self).

 In human life, we have the love of toddlers and children for their parents and siblings; teenage infatuation; romantic relationships; marriage; partnership; friendships based upon shared interests; the love of uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents and so much more. In recent years I see articles on what is narcissism (love of oneself) and we have twisted forms as in co-dependent, addicted, sadistic and so on. We have the term "making love" which as often as not, is, at best, a euphemism that generally describes passing passion than lasting love.

In religion, we have the love of and for God as Father, Mother, Beloved or Friend. I recently read that the Church of England was struggling with the patriarchy of God as Father. (Someone should suggest to them the oriental solution of the mantra "both-and!)

In Catholicism, the veneration of the mother of Jesus has steadily grown. Reported apparitions of Mary have occurred around the globe. St. Joseph of Cupertino (17th century Italy) had a special devotion to Mary as an infant! In India, devotees have a similar devotion to Krishna as an infant just as Christians have a devotion to the infant Jesus. Love of the beloved appears in medieval courtly love and in traditions such as the Sufi tradition (as illustrated in the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam or the popular poet, Rumi).

But here we are in the 21st century. In America, especially, debates rage around transcending binary labels of male of female. Yet for the relatively small contingent that wants to transcend labels there are far more cohorts exulting in their differences as attested to in the popularity of pornography, OnlyFans, "Free the Nipple," and a fashion industry employing less and less cloth. This culture here in America has weathered waves of rising gay pride, same-sex marriage, and changing gender identities and controversies over the lowly pronoun.

Do we dare "celebrate" Valentine's Day in this cacophony of confusion? Valentine's Day is celebrated by children sharing heart-shaped candies, and by adults giving gifts to friends and co-workers, and not just lovers and partners.

Love certainly deserves a celebration but what is it we are celebrating? 

Paramhansa Yogananda came from India to live and teach in America in the year 1920. Though at first careful, he gradually permitted himself to express his love for God in the form he called "Divine Mother." With his upbringing as a Bengali, the particular form of divine mother to which his devotion was directed was the goddess, Kali. Of all the Hindu goddesses, Kali is perhaps the most confusing and even frightening. Yogananda took care to explain the somewhat shocking symbolism seen in depictions of goddess Kali. But he tuned into and early-on expressed and affirmed a devotion to God in the feminine form.

It is no coincidence that not long after Yogananda's passing the quietly rising tide of feminism broke into a large wave recognizing the need for change and equality among men and women. Ananda's founder, Swami Kriyananda--trained by Yogananda--taught that the time has arrived when God can and should be approached in the feminine form. This teaching can help elevate the social and psychological movement towards a higher, divine expression. In the masculine form, God tends to be distant and expresses more naturally justice and wisdom. God is closer to us in the feminine form, especially as mother.

And here, then, we have a budding solution to our cacophony. God is neither male nor female and neither are we, made as we are, in the image of God. In India the traditional counsel given newlyweds is for each to see God enshrined in one another's forms: God as Father, and God as Mother. Whether we are comfortable in our body's gender or not comfortable, either way we are not our body, nor even yet our personality. We are the immortal soul. 

But neither need we deny our body and its influence upon our consciousness. The gender of our bodies, the customs of our culture and our own personal karma may influence us to behave in certain ways considered masculine or feminine but we can also choose our influences and aspire to transcend binary self-definitions or at least not reinforce them. 

Best then it is to relate to one another as souls rather than bodies. We can consciously aspire to live more in our center wherein is found a balance of each gender. To be a soul and a human first and only secondarily have a male or female body (just as secondarily we may be American, Indian, Chinese, black, white or red) is the invitation God is gently offering to humanity at this time. This is part of what is meant by Self-realization. 

This feeling of freedom was what I encountered when I came to Ananda Village in 1977. We were mostly young then: in our twenties and thirties but the example of Swami Kriyananda and the influence of the yoga teachings we practiced suggested a "non-binary" lifestyle and attitude. It was refreshingly clean and freeing. We were friends and souls first. Little notice was given to our gender differences. When we relate in this way, we find that men and women working together can re-direct their naturally occurring animal magnetism into forms that are creative and serviceful. Most of the leaders of the various Ananda communities worldwide are couples. Relationships and marriage came naturally and so did also, from time to time, divorce, for we were not immune to the consciousness of our times. But the elation of the one and the pain of the other were mitigated by the simple fact that first and foremost we were friends in God.

In Swami Kriyananda's book of counsel to the yogi, "Sadhu Beware," he counsels men and women not to gaze into the eyes of the opposite sex. However, even without gazing and basking, it is uncomfortable to avert one's eyes in ordinary conversation. Looking into the spiritual eye (point between the eyebrows) is helpful but most important is one's own intention and consciousness. Otherwise we might appear nervous or shifty-eyed and that's almost as unhelpful.

I once complimented a young woman on her singing and said, "Thank you, Mother!" Perplexed she said, "Huh? Mother?" Realizing that didn't make any sense to her, I just laughed and said, "Well, it's safer that way" (safer, that is, to see her as "mother" or "sister" rather than to view her as an attractive young woman). St. Francis was reported to have warned a woman who was constantly wanting to serve him, "Be careful, I can still father children." Age, you see, unfortunately, has little to do with imagination and desire. (That's why we have reincarnation!)

Let us be children, or brothers and sisters, again, mixing as circumstances and culture may require, but happily relating to one another as souls, as Spirit incarnate. We can do our part, also, not to act out our gender roles when circumstances tempt us to do so. Our words, dress, and comportment can be calm, modest and respectful, free as much as language allows, from an emphasis on gender. And even with one who is our partner or spouse, calm respect and courtesy go further than the ever-oscillating waves of romance idealized at weddings or on Valentine's Day! 

May our beloved Friend, Father-Mother-God, be our Valentine!

Swami Hrimananda

"All is fair in Love and War" -- Happy Valentine's Day, 2021!

 

“All is Fair in Love and War” 

Valentine’s Day 2021

Perhaps it all started with Adam and Eve. Formerly innocent in their nakedness, the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil opened their eyes to their differences and the attraction between them as man and woman. Thus, it is said, humanity fell from grace, from favor in God’s eyes.

It has no doubt puzzled far wiser heads than mine to reconcile what seems like the perfectly reasonable and useful knowledge of good and evil or the attraction between men and women with the cause of humanity’s fall from divine favor. But there it is. We have to deal with it. Besides, some might say, what’s wrong with knowledge, or romance and sex?

The sexual aspect of this fall is not easily dismissed though it is often ignored by a focus upon the nature of the knowledge of good and evil. One must assume there’s no difference as the two are clearly related to each other in the story.

Paramhansa Yogananda, author of the famous and popular story, “Autobiography of a Yogi,” explains this conundrum in his writings and in his life story. While I’ll refrain from a complete recap of Yogananda’s commentary on the Adam and Eve story, he wrote that sex temptation (“touch”) is the “apple” in the center of the garden (of the body). The sex nerves are stimulated by the movement of Life Force of the body (the coiled up spinal energy, the “serpent”) which arouses the feeling aspect of human consciousness (the “Eve’) which draws into its orbit the reason aspect (the “Adam”). Intoxicated by desire, reason succumbs.

The purpose of placing the story “In the beginning” is to state that our origin as souls is pure and free from gender identity and its related “good and evil” impulses. The purpose of having an Adam and an Eve as characters, personifications of humanity, is to contrast our mind with our heart and to imply that the distinction can be problematical when separated but blessed when united. Furthermore, the story belongs to each and every one of us as “the scales fall” when we reach puberty and begin to notice the other gender. Once, whether in time or in life, our reason and feeling faculties were One, innocent of distinctions, like children. Upon our adolescent awakening, our single eye (unaware of differences) divides into two physical eyes, seeing the differences, so to speak, when sexual impules are stimulated by changes in the body.

So here we have Valentine’s Day celebrating the unveiling of this knowledge into endless variations! Curiously, the Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) are not just monotheistic but patriarchal. Other faiths, including so-called “pagan” faiths, celebrate this everlasting play of male and female in the stories of the gods and goddesses and in human life. Matrimony only became a sacrament much later in Christian history, in the 12^th century. It was justified as being a symbol and a reminder of the union of Christ with his church as his mystical body. It was thus not a celebration unto itself.

In the Old and New Testaments, it is stated that the basic teaching there is that we should “love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength.” And the second part is “like unto the first: Thou shalt love thy neighbor AS thyself.” Thus, the impulse here of human love is first re-directed toward God and then expanded into impersonal or equal love for all. (No mention, that is, of romantic love.)

How far we have come! Gay, trans, pan, poly and every possible variation. Like those temples in India with erotic sculptures, our culture, too, is in the midst of an orgy of sexual and romantic adventurism.

So, how do we reconcile these seemingly conflicting points of view? Perhaps it's less of a reconciliation (which suggests equality) and more of a progression, a direction. At the heart of the issue there is an existential element: do we worship the adventure and play of the creation for what we can enjoy in it and get from it, or, do we see the One, the Divine, playing through the many, playing all the parts and in each part revealing aspects of the One? Might the former evolve into the latter? Or, is it safer to turn away from the creation altogether and focus on God alone?

Just now I read on Facebook that yet another of the young Ananda monks has bit the dust, or is the apple? (He didn’t say. He just said he’s no longer a monk but we usually know what that means or at least where it leads.) As I grew toward adulthood in the 1960’s I observed what probably was in the cumulative was thousands of nuns, priests, and monks leave their vocation only soon enough to become wed.

How can we love someone we have never met? God, for example! Just as Darwinists speak of the evolution of species, so too in any given human life we might find that romantic love leads to family love, which expands over the years to include service to a larger community and a deepening of the friendship between the two who started adult life together in marriage. This is the progression that is easily observable though of course not universally true.

What is meant by “all is fair in love” is mostly the simple fact that once the heart’s feelings are aroused (whether romantically, sexually, or both) there’s very little one can do to stop the emotion from its natural course (even if that ultimately means being thwarted for unrequited love is a staple of life and drama).

From the New Testament: Luke: 7: 36-50

And one of the Pharisees desired him that he would eat with him. And he went into the Pharisee’s house, and sat down to meat.

37 And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster box of ointment,

38 And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment.

39 Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner.

40 And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on.

41 There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty.

42 And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?

43 Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.

44 And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.

45 Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet.

46 My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.

47 Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.

48 And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven.

49 And they that sat at meat with him began to say within themselves, Who is this that forgiveth sins also?

50 And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace.

You see, even on a human level, love, as it is perfected, goes from self-satisfying to self-giving. This is both the natural and the soul (sole) purpose of the attraction, whether romantic or otherwise. We are compelled by romantic or sexual impulses, and compelled by biological ones (re children, siblings or parents) but with a friend, we have what, in principle at least is the purest form of friendship: given without compulsion but on mutual affinity and recognition.

There’s another side to the Adam and Eve story. It is the teaching that each of us, as a soul, has a soul-mate. Yogananda acknowledged this teaching but did not give it much emphasis because the human interest in romance is so deeply embedded that he didn’t want his teaching to be twisted into a love-cult, so to speak. Besides, the soul is neither male nor female. Thus, one’s soul-mate is inherently free from gender compulsions or attributes. Think of soul qualities, rather than human differences. A soul that inclines to go more by thought might be best mated by a soul that goes more by feeling. The existence of soul-mates is said to take place at the beginning of creation when the one soul is divided into two. The temptation to say this is male and female is almost overwhelming but it is not what Yogananda taught. It is in this that we can see Adam and Eve as reason and feeling and the serpent and apple as relating to each person internally, not externally, in male and female forms. But their story would have been a lot less interesting if it were devoid of that “which makes the world go ‘round.”

Swami Kriyananda described divine love as bliss in motion; or bliss in relationship; or in creation. Bliss is One; Love is two.

When Krishna, in the Bhagavad Gita, is asked whether it is best to seek God as the Absolute (as One) or in the I-Thou relationship, Krishna replied unequivocally that for “embodied beings” the I-Thou relationship was easier, meaning more natural. Yogananda worshipped God in the feminine form, in his life, as Goddess Kali. This is NOT the worship of the creation for itself or its gifts but the worship of God AS the creation, donning the mask, as it were: neither denying God's handiwork nor, being fooled by it.

Yogananda frequently made the point that while God IS and HAS all things, He does not have our love (attention, interest and seeking) unless we offer it to Him. “Love—the tie that binds”—is the one thing missing. And as the woman of many sins was forgiven for she loved much, so too it is axiomatic that love for God is perhaps the quickest way to soul freedom. But, it is also NOT as easy as it sounds. As I wrote earlier, how can we truly love someone we have never met? And distracted by our need to love and be loved, it is far easier to fall in love with the face in front of us (like Queen Titania in Shakespeare's "A Midsummer's Night Dream")! [Why do we say "fall" in love? Adam and Eve "fell" too.]

Swami Kriyananda taught us that in India couples are instructed to see in one another the Divine enshrined in one another’s forms: the Infinite Spirit or the Divine Mother. Thus, it is the divine way that human love is intended to become ever purer, ever more expansive until it becomes the pure love of God.

On that journey and with that intention, “All is fair!”

Happy Valentine’s Day,

Swami Hrimananda